Slutload

Back at the dawn of the 21st century, this old dude referred to the Internet as A Series of Tubes. He was widely mocked, both for his elderly perspective and balls that dangled below his knees. That man, though, was a wrinkled old prophet. As it turns out, by 2019 nearly 95% of the web consists of porn tubes. I can confirm this through my extensive independent research. Case in point: Slutload.

Slutload.com looks like your typical free sex video site. What sets this one apart from the billions of other tubes out there? They get 7 million visits a month, which is nothing compared to the big boys in the game, but it’s still respectable as hell. I was going to say you don’t know anyone who gets that much traffic, but then I remembered your mom. That broad’s a stone-cold slut.

Popping a Hot Sticky Load of Sluts

Jerking off while on acid is strictly for the bravest of perverts. I tried it once and felt like my dick had turned into a highly sensitive and veiny snake. When I popped, it wasn’t an eruption of semen like usual. I blew a sticky geyser of little tiny whores coming out of the snake’s mouth.

I dubbed this particular ejaculation a Slutload. I was sure it was going to make me rich. It’s unsettling and not for everyone, but there’s got to be a market for the astonishing wonder of shooting a load of little hot whores out of your cock.

Imagine my surprise when I went to register the domain and someone had already taken it. They actually registered Slutload.com back in 2007, which can only mean time travel or witchcraft. Based on this group-sex video I see on the page, I’m going to guess the latter. Witches are all about orgies. You can really learn a lot from watching movies.

There’s a lot to be learned from the movies display here, too. For example, the newest video on the page appears to be a lesson on the subtleties of deep-throating a huge dick. There’s also one showing the logistics of a skinny little slut getting hammered in a shower, and a clip about what to do when the boss jizzes on your face at the office. It turns out the secretary is supposed to clean him up with her mouth.

There’s also learning on display. I see a teen losing her virginity, and a tranny taking it up the ass the first time. Yeah, I know. It probably ain’t true, but suspension of disbelief is always part of the deal. I bet those step-siblings in this taboo clip aren’t even really fake-related.

Updated with Free Porn Every 10 Minutes?

Slutload claims to update with free porn videos every 10 minutes. That’s the kind of growth rate I like to see on a tube site, and probably a big reason why they get so many visitors. The thing is, I think the updates are currently broken or paused. Something is not right.

Beneath each thumbnail are some basic stats. There’s a title and language, as well as a view count and user rating. The date uploaded is listed, and the most recent one was 4 days ago. The rest of the page was added a week ago.

This has to be a glitch that will be fixed soon. If not, well, I guess it was nice knowing you, Slutload. Tubes just need to be fed or everyone starves. The testicles wither away and fall off.

Users seem to hate the recent offerings, and I wonder if it’s because they’ve been beating off to the same things for a week. Everything on the front page has a big, red thumbs-down icon beneath it, and a popularity in the single digits.

When you hover over an image, you get a moving preview of the scene. This clip of a Stylish Boy Fucking Pretty Teen looks hot as hell, so I have no fucking idea how any deviate in their right mind could rate it poorly. Slutload users have judged it a pitiful 9%, so either something is wrong with them or the site. Making a guinea pig of myself, I clicked the thumbnail of a ripe young pussy getting speared by dick.

Jerking Off to Teen Groupsex Movies

The video started playing as soon as the page loaded, no clicking required on my part. I would have turned the volume down if I’d known, because the broad sitting near me at Starbucks looked over as the clip opened with loud moaning. She looked offended, but that’s what you get for looking at other peoples’ work. Don’t I deserve privacy?

There is spam on the page, but my blocker has taken care of most of it. All I see is a selection of cam girls at the top of the screen, and they disappear when I fullscreen the vid.

The title was misleading, because this is actually two couples getting it on in a bed. It’s an incredible piece of amateur porn with some other site’s watermark on it, and I immediately look for a download button. No such luck on Slutload.

These girls are so beautiful, shaved and talented. Each of you 230 freeloading shit-heads who voted these babes down should go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done. Seriously, WTF? Fags.

The Elegant Poetry of Masturbation

Slutload’s got a big cloud of tags hovering at the bottom of the front page. Click a category and pull up Slutload’s collection of that genre. It’s a typical feature for a tube, but here there’s a weird poetry to the whole thing that almost seems intentional. I can picture some deranged art fag reading it out loud at a coffee house open mic.

“Fuck Tits. Sucking Chick. Young Porn Blonde,” he says, dipping his boner into his espresso. “Dildo Wife Action Gives Gay Slut Cum. Asian. Facial. One Public Guy Rides Pornstar Deep. But Creampie, Bitch.”

The crowd is silent with anticipation, and then gives the poet a standing ovation when he reaches the final beautiful line: “Sweet Babe Pounded Black, Like Sex Pussy Hard.” One woman in the back sheds a tear and tweets #metoo.

There’s a SHOW ALL TAGS button, but I can tell before looking at it the whole thing’s going to be a cluttered mess. The front-page collection shows plenty of sex stuff, but also words like “But”, “Like” and “Time”. Just for the sheer fuck of it, I clicked the Time tag. Dozens of pages of results come back.

The Categories page, accessible from the dropdown in the header, is a bit more manageable. It’s only got a few dozen categories, and they’re all classic porn. Lesbians, Ebony, Hardcore and Handjob made the cut. They’ve got nearly 80k Fetish movies and a healthy Gay section, too, so most people should be able to find something to get them off. The best way to find really specific content is to play with the search bar or Ctrl+F on the sprawling Tags page.

One of the problems with Slutload’s layout is you can only jump forward so many pages at a time. There’s a NEXT button, but no LAST button. There are nearly 30k videos in the Public section, but it will take you a shit-load of clicking to reach the last page. That’s just poor design. The full catalog of filthy smut should be easy to get to on any good porn site, free or not.

Besides the difficulty reaching the high shelves, I didn’t have much trouble with the site. With my spam plugin running, ads were pretty minimal. Certainly no worse than any other free tube. If they start updating the site again, I’m sure people will keep loading it up while they flog the bishop.

Slutload isn’t a terrible site. It’s not a great site, either. Slutload.com is just a free sex tube, and that’s the easiest way to sum it up. There’s no really good reason to avoid the site. Then again, with so many good porn tubes out there, there’s no real reason to visit this one. It’ll do in a pinch if you have a stroke and can’t remember what Pornhub is called. Otherwise, I’d recommend finding something better on my list.