Amazon.com

Amazon. You know it and you love it. It’s been around for twenty-five years and it’s the world’s largest online store. It’s where you’ve been going for books, movies, music, and household goods for years. Lately, you’ve even been able to buy food and drinks from Amazon. If it exists, chances are Amazon sells it, and chances are it’s cheaper on Amazon than it is anywhere else.

As it turns out, there’s one other type of thing that Amazon carries that you may not have considered: sex toys. If it’s something that you would be embarrassed to buy in front of your mom, Amazon probably has it. But hey, mom’s a person too, so if you’re ever looking for a birthday gift idea that she’ll really love, you might be in the right place. Just don’t be surprised if she starts to spend a bit more of her time alone in the bedroom with her door locked. It’s just a shame you can’t sort by size, I know from experience that anything that isn’t long or thick enough won’t really do it for her.

By shopping for adult toys on Amazon you won’t get some of the other benefits that come with venturing in to the den of debauchery across town: you won’t get to see the toys in person, you won’t get to embarrass yourself in front of the cute slutty girl that works the register, and you won’t be able to sneak behind the curtain at the back to get your cock sucked by a “girl” who calls herself Brenda but has a strangely low voice and a little bit too much stubble.

Instead, you’ll get a host of other benefits that can’t be beaten, even by other online sex shops. Amazon sells so many sex toys that the selection might make a hooker blush, and they take full advantage of the modern miracle that is shipping logistics to have them delivered to your front door within a day or two. This is what we’ve been working towards, people. Civilization has peaked, and if you’re an indicator, it’s all going to be downhill from here, so enjoy it while you can.

Unrivaled Selection, Prices, and Delivery

We already know that Amazon carries every piece of media known to man, but it’s less commonly known that they also sell anything and everything that you can stick inside you or that you can stick yourself inside. Take a look around—if you can dream it, Amazon sells it. Looking for a dildo? A vibrator? A butt plug? You’ll find hundreds of each in every size, shape, and color. How about a pocket pussy? Hell, a pocket mouth or asshole? You’ll find so many of each that you could build a harem of plastic and fuck a different disembodied hole every day for the rest of your life.

They’ve even got bondage gear, sex furniture, and toys for two—I know you’re not at the stage in your life where you’ll be able to find a woman who is willing to use any of that stuff with you, but keep your chin up. Stay in school, eat your vegetables, and keep your chin up, and maybe eventually you’ll be able to get out of the basement and into the bar to find a willing slut. Mommy and daddy believe in you.

And guess what? Not only does Amazon have more too choose from than anywhere else, but the prices can’t be topped either. They’ve got everything from the cheap value brands that won’t break the bank to famous premium sex toys at prices that are slightly easier to swallow. You’ll still be spending enough to get a hooker on some of the really good stuff, but you probably won’t cry as much after using the sex toy. And hey, it’s 20% cheaper than it would be at the physical store, so you’ll cry a bit less when you check your bank statement, too. Unless you’re just dying to shop next to fat sweaty perverts, there’s really no reason to buy sex stuff from anywhere but Amazon. If that’s you, go venture out into the real world if you must, but don’t pretend that it has anything to do with anything but your own need to fit in with losers like yourself.

Real-World Testimonials

It can be hard to separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to sex toys—how can you tell what’s going to make you cum from what’s going to make you come back to the store to find something else?

At the sex shop, you’ve got two things to rely on: the packaging, which will in every case make unbelievably bold claims about how life-changing the product will be for you, and the sales staff, who are going to have more worries about their commission than they will whether or not you actually enjoy the product.

What really makes Amazon the best place to research and buy sex toys are the reviews. Just like people come here to tell you all about how the books they just read make them feel, you’ll find literally thousands of people telling you exactly how good the dildos, pocket pussies, and bondage gear they bought on Amazon made them cum.

A lot of these products look the same, and without having tested them you might think they are the same. With Amazon’s reviews, you can skip the hard work and get everyone else to take care of that for you. Yeah, all realistic rubber cocks might look the same to an untrained eye, but they won’t feel the same to even the most untrained asshole. Now instead of buying all twelve that are on sale to find out which one is the best, you can crowdsource everyone else’s reactions to find out. Sorry if that ruined your excuse to do just that.

They do this without compensation, so you’ll get a lot more honesty than you would ever find elsewhere. Click on a Fleshlight and find out that it feels just like the real thing, while the bargain basement version grasps your dick so tightly that it loses circulation, turns purple, and falls off. Find out that one buttplug’s base is a little too narrow and has a tendency to get swallowed up by your gaping asshole, leading to an embarrassing trip to the ER.

Sometimes, people even have pictures of themselves attached to their reviews, so if you’re a big enough pervert you might even find something to occupy yourself with before the delivery arrives. I get it, sometimes you get desperate. You’re on Amazon looking for sex toys so you’re obviously not getting laid. If the girl holding up a glass cock showing a bit of cleavage is enough to get you to blow your load, I won’t judge. Much. Just be careful that you don’t stumble across a photo of a guy like you—thankfully I haven’t been that unlucky, but it can never hurt to prepare for apocalyptic scenarios like that.

But Make Sure Nobody’s Looking…

One issue that comes with purchasing sex toys on Amazon is privacy. Yes, they offer discreet packaging, so your parents and your mailman won’t know that your plans for the weekend consist of impaling yourself on a twelve-inch black rubber dick. But anyone who shares your Amazon login might.

You can delete your Amazon search history, but once you purchase something, Amazon will never forget. And neither will your soon-to-be ex-wife after she logs on to buy the hot new romance novel and finds that you’ve ordered a collection of cocks so realistic that she realizes that her suspicions about you were right.

There’s an easy workaround, though—if you share an account with somebody who might not approve of your newfound interests, create another one. Then, just make sure that you’re the one that receives the package, and your secret will stay between you, Jeff Bezos, the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the Russians, and anyone else that is willing to pay a few cents for all of your personal information.