I just flew in from overseas, and boy are my arms tired! That’s because I was masturbating furiously on the airplane. The lady beside me was either impressed or horrified, but I’m not sure about what. Either it was my monster schlong, classified as a deadly weapon in 14 countries, or all the crazy porn I was watching on vPorn.
This free tube got around 65 million visits last month, which is almost as many visitors your mom gets. Incidentally, I think I saw a clip of the old broad bouncing on a dick in vPorn’s extensive Amateur section. I had to bleach my goddamn eyes afterwards with a long, slow look at their Teen category.
V is for Vagina, Virgin
What did you expect when you heard the name vPorn? If you’re reading this today, you almost certainly expect virtual reality porn. Everybody’s doing it these days. Why watch regular old sex movies in two dimensions when you can have these gorgeous sluts injected straight into your eyeballs?
The thing is, somebody registered vPorn.com back in 2001. That’s when the whole world was still resetting after the Y2k glitch pretty much destroyed everything. We didn’t understand how to do years on computers back then, so nobody could have even conceived of the crazy computer-sex helmets they make now.
I don’t know if the same folks who run vPorn now are the same people who registered it, but it doesn’t matter much. The current version of the site has been around since 2011 or so, which is still old in Internet years, and still predates VR porn.
So what’s that V stand for? Fuck if I know. It could be Videos, since it’s a free video site. Maybe it’s Vagina, since you see a lot of them on here, or Voluptuous as in the all those big ol’ titties. It might be Virgin, since a lot of Virgin neckbeards probably look at the site while wearing their V for Vendetta masks and Vaping in mom’s basements around the world.
Another Free Sex Tube? Fuck Yeah!
VPorn has the standard free porn tube format you know and love. The front page is just a wall of thumbnails, each one depicting scenes you wouldn’t show your mom. Well, some of us would, but she told me to be quiet about that.
You can jump to any of the next ten pages from the bottom of the screen. There’s no way to jump ahead further unless you want to do some r337 hax0r shit. It’s as simple as tweaking the number in the URL, but who wants to do that? Give us a damn button.
Some random Popular Porn Videos are at the top of the screen. It looks like good stuff. I see a Brazzers sample clip, a Skinny Teen Abused During Training, and a 45-minute scene with Big-Ass Latina Cynthia Bang. I hit the refresh button and the Popular selection gives me more Brazzers, an amateur cougar getting her muff plowed, and a long taboo movie.
One thing that you don’t usually see on free tubes is the Selected view that vPorn pulls up by default. You can switch it to Newest, Rating, Views or the other standard options, but Selected is something you don’t normally see. I’m not 100% sure what it even means, but I think it means it’s curated; somebody or some software is picking out the good shit for you.
Good Porn Hand-Picked by a Sex Robot
Now I’m picturing RoboCop angrily pounding his flaccid dick with a metal fist, devastated that the scientists couldn’t fix the policeman in his pants. The least he could do, however, is select the best goddamn porn his partly robotic brain could find and serve it up as the Selected selection on vPorn. Thank you, RoboCop, for your service and for your selection.
RoboCop, or whoever, is picking some goddamn good shit. The Selected stuff today shows a wild Asian Ballerina getting fucked hard in the first slot. Ballet dancers apparently dress like slutty fast food chefs in Japan. You know, a skimpy nightie and a little paper hat, and then they whisk up bowls of flour, just like a ballerina. Whatever, though, the blowjob scene looks fantastic when I hover my mouse over that bitch.
The pornographic computer brain also selected an exotic Indian girl getting dirty in a kitchen, some public nudity, and Cory Chase fucking on a red couch for over an hour. I see a BangBros sample, a long Japanese incest movie that I’m bookmarking right now, and Christy Mack fucking the photographer.
Among all the big-name pornstars like Deauxma and Christy Mack are some kinky gems for the real deviates. A bitch bangs a dude with a strap-on in a femdom scene, another broad drinks piss, and a superhero whore gets tied up and beat up.
There’s even a hentai cartoon with lesbian warrior bitches shooting lazers out of their cunts and fucking monsters. Or something. Honestly, I watched it and I’m very aroused but confused. I have this weird desire to put a glowstick in a girl’s pooper.
So Much Porn, So Little Time
You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, right? If you rearrange the movies by Newness, you’ll see the site is updated every couple minutes with more porn. It’s coming in so fast that if you tried to watch it all, you’d be backed way the fuck up in a hurry.
With so much smut to choose from, it’s kind of hard to know where to start. One thing that always works for me is to follow my dick, which is currently pointing me toward a clip called Big Asian Horny Ass Fucked Hard in HD V. I have no idea what that extra V is for, which seems to be a theme of the site.
I expected some spam before the clip loaded, a pop-up or pop-under or maybe a commercial that plays before the video. Maybe my spam-blocker did the trick, but the video started playing immediately.
VPorn bills itself as Your HD Tube, but the video starts off in 320p. Maybe my connection’s fucked up today or maybe they’re just being stingy with the bandwidth. When I clicked the 1080p button, I got a better stream with just a little buffering to start.
The video is fantastic. This hot brunette plays with a dildo until her boyfriend comes along, and then she’s up against the wall getting butt-fucked. I’m kind of disappointed she’s a White girl with a little ass, though. She’s gorgeous and I’d love to give it to her, but the description promised me something else. You get that with any site that runs on user uploads, though.
VPorn has the usual Categories and Tags you expect on a tube site. Whoever uploaded this one, despite fucking up the title, did a good job with the Tags and Categories. This is filed under Anal, Big Dick and Teen, with a Brunette and a Cumshot. There are Suggest buttons in case anything’s missing. Nobody’s filled out the Pornstars field here, so maybe you can swoop in and save the day. I recognize that girl’s butthole, I just can’t remember her name.
There are a shit-ton of free porn tubes littering the Internet. Most of them are hot fucking garbage and exist more to serve you spam than to give you a boner. VPorn ain’t one of those bullshit sites, which goes a long way in explaining why it’s been around so long.
The name is stupid. I’ll give you that, but you have to remember vPorn got off the ground before VR porn was a thing. Don’t blame them. Who gives a shit about a name, though? I’m pretty sure that’s a Shakespeare quote.
A porn tube only really needs to do one thing and that’s serve free porn videos well. Well, vPorn does that. Their collection is pretty spectacular and always growing, and you can browse it without drowning in spam. Fuck yeah. Take a look.
ThePornDude likes vPorn's
- Free HD content
- Minimal spam
- Constantly updated with all kinds of porn
- Downloads available
ThePornDude hates vPorn's
- Spare v lying around
- No virtual reality