EroProfile

Ever since I got banned from the nursing home, I’ve been trying to find a new way to admire and interact with naked old ladies. I was hanging out at the home goods store for a while, but then they put in cameras. As a dude with a website, I knew my best bet was probably the Internet, so I checked out EroProfile.

About 14 million people visit EroProfile.com every month, making it one of the biggest amateur porn communities in the world. They’ve been online since 2010, making them one of the older ones, too. As we’ll see, that’s not the only thing old about this site.

Sweating to the Oldies

The tagline for EroProfile invites you to Connect And Share With Adults Worldwide. The invitation is accompanied by a stylish graphic of a spunky red-haired slut sticking her tongue out.

The redhead’s got her hand held up in one of those White girl gang signs, something between devil horns and I Love You. The cartoon is cut off above the breasts, but you get the impression she must be stacked. She gives off a strong aura of youth, virility, and broad sex appeal.

That, um, contrasts a bit with the sample images on the front page. Without scrolling, I see a Sexy Amateur Grandma and a Horny Amateur Grandma. I guess the difference is that the Sexy one is naked and kneeling with a big smile on her face, while the Horny one has her pussy lips spread out in front of the camera and is kind of grimacing. Maybe that position aggravates one of her slipped disks.

Scrolling down, the girls do get a little younger. I think Kinky Big Tits Pierced Mature and the Naked Mature Amateur beside her are only in their 60s. If I keep going, I see a few MILFs that could be in their late 20s or early 30s. Framed by the elderly, these lovely ladies are spry and youthful by comparison.

It’s not exclusively old chicks on the front page of EroProfile. There’s also a Big Cock Shemale, a smattering of dick pics, and a woman in nothing but a gimp mask sucking a trio of cocks outside. I found one thumbnail of a teen couple engaged in the act of fellatio, but for some reason it loads an empty box instead of a larger image. Coincidence or conspiracy?

At the very bottom of the screen, almost as an afterthought, are four teens. The images load fine for the Amateur Girl, Sexy Skinny Amateur Teen, Hairy Amateur Teen, and Small Tits Amateur Teen. I already wish the women on the site had names; there’s no way to keep track with so few tags.

Mostly, though, it’s old chicks. A lot of amateur sites have a type, and on EroProfile it’s mature broads. If you dig around you’ll probably find a variety of amateur whores, but they’re hanging a pretty big sign on the front door here. This is a site for fans of the oldies.

It reminds me of the church crowd who take up all the parking spots on Sunday morning. I look out my window and see all these gray-hairs shuffling about, wrinkly and withered and worried they’ll drop dead at any moment. Some of them can barely walk, and none of them fit the common definition of sexy.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that thanks to EroProfile, I no longer spend my Sundays just imagining the grannies naked. Hopefully, this means the last of my public indecency charges, too.

Amateur Porn by the Numbers

You can get quick access to EroProfile’s full stash of Photos or Videos via the links in the header. The site layout looks outdated, but at least it’s easy to get around.

Both the Photo and Video pages let you filter by niche. I honestly expected a bunch of different categories for old chicks, like MILF, GILF, Mature, Granny or Elderly. I’m not saying they need a slider for the number of wrinkles or anything, but some differentiation would be nice. With such a wealth of oldie porn, it’s practically necessary.

EroProfile only has two age-related categories, though: Amateur Moms/Mature and Amateur Teens. The rest is a trim list of several dozen porn categories. It’s the standard stuff like Ass, Big Tits, Anal, Lesbian and Squirting. There’s some kinkier shit like BDSM, Fetish, and Pissing. All the categories skew old if you take a dive.

Just for shits and giggles, I compared the Amateur Moms/Mature content to the stuff tagged as Amateur Teens. There are 101k Mom videos but only 46k Teen clips. EroProfile has less than 300 thousand Teen pics, but there are 1.6 million photos filed under Mature.

There are some gorgeous young sluts in the Teen pics, but I’m calling bullshit on a few of them. A few hours ago this broad uploaded a handful of images and tagged herself as an Amateur Teen. She’s clearly a haggard stripper in her 30s, literally posing with her co-workers at the strip club she’s working.

Site Stats on the front page give some overall numbers, and they’re impressive. EroProfile currently has more than 13 million amateur photos and more than 2 million homemade porn videos. They’ve got half a million members, and more than a thousand of them are online right now. I’m one of the other thousand browsing the site without logging in.

Bang a Local Ol’ Slut Tonight

Out front, I’d noticed a crazy Mad-Lib that seemed to imply EroProfile could get me laid in real life. “I am a (gender) looking for a (gender) age between (18 and up) – (99 and down).” Country and Region options follow.

I tried it, leaving the age range wide open. EroProfile came back with 25 women in my state. Most of them were over 40, and two of them were senior citizens, eligible for a wide range of discounts due to their advanced age.

The lack of teens might discourage some horny jerks, but elderly discrimination is wrong. Unfortunately, the Advanced Search is reserved for paying Gold members only. This extensive section lets you dial in precisely the type of grandma you’re looking for.

Select her hair and eye color, ethnicity, and whether or not she’s got pubes. Does she have tattoos, piercings, or implants? The Advanced Search can also filter by what sex acts you’re into, so you never end up with a septuagenarian who refuses to do Anal or Sex With Shemales. There’s no way to filter your selection by original hips, pacemakers or colostomy bags.

Earlier, I was expecting EroProfile to cut off my video access and make me sign up, log in, and maybe pay up. That never happened, though. In fact, it seems like the Goldmember subscription is mainly for people actively trying to get laid on the site.

A membership runs around 9 Euros or 12 USD per month. The membership perks are all directly related to interacting with people on the site. You get to send up to 100 messages a day, see how many people visit your profile, go one-on-one in a private webcam chat, and use custom emoticons. Another bullet point on the list promises “Much more to come…”

Incontinence and Impotency Jokes Aside

It’s hard to resist all the easy gags about wrinkled old ballsacks and tits that hang to the knees, but EroProfile ain’t a bad amateur site. Yeah, it’s full of old people, but chances are you’re old, too. Either that or you just have a fetish for brittle bones and liver spots. The personals section gives you a pretty good idea who’s actually hooking up here, and it’s not the Instagram set.

The site’s collection of amateur porn is fucking vast, with millions of pieces of homegrown content you won’t find anywhere else. The organization could be a little better, but it could be a lot worse. It’s free and only one ad slipped by my blocker during my visit. It’s an easy recommendation if you’re into old chicks. At this price, it’s probably worth an occasional visit to any amateur fan.