Porn’s only gonna get you so far. Yeah it’s great and there’s not ever gonna be anyone out there who will move at the exact pace your dick grooves at but there’s just something to be said about doing the nasty in person. In another person, not just by yourself. There’s just one problem, well two problems, you’ve got a fuck ton of money to spend on getting rid of this filthy urge that inflicts all us guys and absolutely no luck with the ladies in real life to help sort out this kind of issue. Well lucky you there’s been more than a few people with just that same problem and got a thought in their head to solve it.
Escort Means More Than Escort, You Knew That
Queue up EscortNews.eu, one of the fancier websites you’ll find to help you find someone to get rid of your fuckin problem in a fuckin hurry, for either a nominal fee but usually an hourly rate that’s worth the effort it takes. Escort services girls are providing all around the world can be found here, and by god is there a tasty selection.
I’m only letting you in on the ones you can find in Canada or the US by the way, no matter how good this shit might be there is no way in fucking hell I’m traveling across a whole fucking ocean to get a taste of how our European friends are tasting honey for money just for your guys’ convenience. They don’t let shit tier girls sign up on the site if they aren’t worth the time I’ll tell you that much so I’m not reviewing the girls here just the site. If I was reviewing the girls I’d be shooting dust by the third bitch and who’s got the kind of money to get escorted that much anyway?
I’m having a look at this front page and while there’s a lot to unpack here, it’s hard giving you the skinny when my blood’s running south and I’ve gained a few pants sizes. You’ve got your countries on the left and the top tier bitches on the right. Easy to understand as long as you know that each of these girls aren’t changing locales to take you out for a hot night in your own town. You gotta find one that’s already “near you” just like all the ads say. Unless you’re really willing to go all in and shell out an ass load of cash for a girl who’s really worth it. Some of those VIPs actually will do some travelling so you can get yours.
Best of the Best at the Front of the Front
Before you even have a look at any countries though, Escortnews has lined up their all-star ball players on the very front page listed as “VIP” escorts because I guess somehow they do a better job with their lady parts than their nonVIP sisters. You and I both know that just means they’ve got more experience, more satisfied customers and more tread on their tires. Or less tread I guess, if you catch my drift.
Don’t you dare think that means the rest of the girls won’t’ be able to escort you in all the ways that matter, you and I both know these bitches were born to shift our gear and garble marbles. Shop around, it’s allowed and no way any worse off than choosing from the VIPs. There are no fucking slim pickings here just quality pussy for a reasonable price.
The amount of sorting you can do on this site is ridiculous, have a look around at all these damn buttons cause there’s a button or a drop-down menu for any kind of fantasy escort experience you want to have. There’s even a crapload of them that cross more than one thing off the long list of kinks.
Pick A Hoe Any Hoe
Just for fun how about you spout off some random combination of preferences for Escortnews to bundle together, you want a Latino girl in Austria? You got it. Do you want Asians in Canada? Good because that’s all you’re going to get. Asians, Asians, Asians, for some reason there’s nothing but a massive collection of nothing but Asian escorts in Canada. Sure that could be seen as a good thing if you’re not a big fan of variety but seriously that’s it. Asians. My god. Don’t fall down that deep dark hole of calling ThePornDude racist because that’s furthest from the truth, who doesn’t enjoy some JAVs every now and then, even more just the Jas. But some of these girls look really fucking similar to the ones that win those Taiwanese beauty pageants, and while that’s all well and good, sometimes guys are the winners.
Different Can Be Good
EscortNews does things a little different than most porn sites and yeah I get it they’re not the same thing but that doesn’t mean you can’t take a few tips and tricks from the people who already know how the game is played. There’s a lot of empty white space on the site and in a dark room where you’re making your secret purchases of a fine slutty escort, all that white light is hard on the eyes and kind of a turn-off. Your boner has to last at least until the girl gets there, if it’s gone before you even put in the order what’s the point?
They could really take a page from some of the greats like pornhub or Eporner and just spam us with a wall of flesh. Sure these girls are escorts not porn stars but it doesn’t mean they can’t put their best foot forward to at least try and get our dicks standing more at attention. Even when sometimes their best foot forward is a nice pair of tits or a clean shaven pussy. Whatever works.
An innovative idea these genius assholes came up with though that you don’t really see too much on other sites is the option to chat one on one with these skanks beforehand to see if she’ll be worth your time and change. It’s not always about the escorting per say, sometimes a bitch has to be good at whispering in your ear all the dirty shit you like to hear while she’s working or else the jobs really never gonna get done. That’s what the chat options for, you’ll be able to tell if you’re talking to some slutty smart girl who knows what she’s doing when she’s escorting your man parts, or if it’s just an attractive pair of tits on a really dumb stick. Not that they can’t get the job done too, you just want it done right or not at all.
Buttons And Dials
Just pay attention to your options here, Escortnews does its best job trying to cater to your preferences. Those buttons at the top are your friends when it comes to choosing who you’re taking home or to a hotel room. I’m judging you secretly of course but even if you click on the “boys” button cause that’s your thing you don’t have to listen to my opinions on the subject, just get your dick escorted however you want and two consenting adults and freedom to do whatever with whoever with permission and all that.
So that’s EscortNews, girls of all shapes and sizes from all walks of life in all colors of the rainbow, even some boys too if pickles are your preference, ready to escort you down under where there are no lights or cameras. The site’s got a hell of a set up to set you up with the right girl who’s right for your wallet and the right fit for your dick. Use it cause at some point you’re going to lose it and you may as well have a good time while you still can. This site’s a really good place to be really selective about what kind of good time you’re going to have. Hell, go for more than one at a time, if you can take that kind of hit and keep on swinging then make us all jealous and wet your whistle twice in the same go.
Personally, I don’t get escorted and tell, I keep that personal shit locked up tighter than the snatch I’m going to town with but the amount of tight, taut quality bitches you can find on this site will keep you busy for years. Or if you go ham all at once you’ll have a few great months and then die suddenly, everything in moderation ladies and gentlemen even online pussy you can find in spades here. Come have a look see.
ThePornDude likes EscortNews's
- Heavily organized model system
- Large amount of buttons to filter and specify the right girl for the job
- Their best girls up front in all their glory
- Each girl having her own page to peruse before you make any life changing decisions
ThePornDude hates EscortNews's
- Heavy amount of brightness and whiteness, we need to see a wall of flesh or no wall at all.