Well, I’m back once again to review another porn game. For those of you who have been following my reviews (firstly, thank you; secondly, get a life), you know well by now that I have never been much of a gamer, both in general and especially when it comes to porn. Porn is not a game to me. I want my porn with no impediments. I like my porn like I like my women: sexy, easy, and there to make me cum.
Porn games, however, are not for the instantly gratified masturbator such as myself … no, they are more geared toward people with certain traits that I do not seem to be blessed with in abundance. Namely, patience and a desire to succeed at something that isn’t real. I have always kind of disliked games in general, even the board games everyone wanted to play as a kid. I think the problem is that I just don’t give a fuck if I win or lose. It literally makes no difference in my actual life, and silly forms of competition bore me.
Plus, the problem with porn games specifically is that they always seem to be way more game than they are porn. Don’t make me fucking work for half an hour just to give me a half a minute clip of some cartoony anime bitch sucking a cartoony anime dick. I think I’ll just fap the old fashioned way, fuck you very much!
Having said that, I did recently play a porn game that actually was pretty enjoyable—3DxChat. Maybe I liked it so much because it was more chatting and virtual partying and fucking and less “complete this mission to see a tit.’ Actually, there was none of that, thankfully. At any rate, this most recent positive porn game experience has opened me up to the possibility of other porn games out there potentially being enjoyable to me. So, today, I will be trying out Smut Stone (I’m already digging the name).
Straight into the Game
As soon as you arrive on Smutstone.com, zero time is wasted. There are no fancy gameplay videos meant to dazzle you into a download, there is not even an explanation of what the fuck Smutstone is all about. From the very moment you land on the site, the game begins. Well, maybe it would be more accurate to say that the exposition begins.
The art of this game is made to look just like a comic book. All you have is one frame of a dude lying in bed, holding an iPhone up to his ear. He looks a little annoyed, or like maybe he just woke up and is hungover as fuck. Click the “Next” button below the frame to continue. With each click, a dialogue bubble pops up. “Get up,” says whoever is on the phone, “We’re expecting you at Jolly Patrick. You won’t believe the quality of broads here.”
Jolly Patrick, it turns out, is a strip club. The protagonist goes to one of the girl’s dressing rooms (looking for drugs it seems) when, out of nowhere, a portal appears and this weird quasi-demon looking bitch pulls her into it. The hero, of course, attempts to save her, but just gets pulled into the portal with her. Suddenly they are in some strange supernatural dimension and the demon bitch orders her flying devil pig to attack you (later we find out his name is CockBlocker). And that is where the game begins.
Uh … What the Fuck is Going On?
And it’s a fucking card game? I didn’t see that coming. The cards kind of resemble those of Magic the Gathering, but they feature sexy chicks instead of dragons and shit. Cockblocker prompts you to hit the continue button, upon which all of the gaming is automatically done for you (cards literally butt heads with each other, dropping HP or whatever in what seems like a pretty arbitrary fashion.
Once you are done watching a weird card game that you have no control over whatsoever (spoiler alert: the protagonist wins), the stripper from before is freed from the clutches of the demon bitch. “Want to explain what just happened?” He askes her. “Only if you fuck me first,” she replies. Then you get a single frame of the stripper getting fucked doggystyle with a splash of cum either spraying in or gushing out (or it could be both, I suppose). Some really amazing writing, I know…
Clicking next provides two new dialogue bubbles: “What a wonderful way of expressing gratitude,” he says. “AAAA! The monster has awakened! Save yourselves!” She responds (with no change in expression from the gusher of an orgasm she was having seconds ago). And, just like that, you’re brought to the game’s world map and CockBlocker instructs you to continue on to the next mission.
No Skill Necessary
In case you were expecting some actual gameplay or skill to eventually become involved. The next level is almost identical to the first. Some shit happens, you idly watch a card game be played (that you are somehow supposed to be implicated in having something to do with?), then your reward is fucking another hot cartoon bitch (this time in the mouth).
After spending some time with it, I’m not sure that it would be entirely fair to refer to Smut Stone as a porn game. More accurately, it’s a kind of interactive porn comic book basically designed for you to win and just keep clicking through frames and going on to new missions until its eventual climax (no way in hell I stayed here clicking and clicking and clicking “continue” long enough to figure out what happens).
The Only Choice You Make
There is at least some level of strategy, it turns out, for you to harness as the game unfolds. As you progress through levels, you earn gold coins and shit, sometimes new sexy chick Magic cards that have higher HP and do more damage. Your job, then, isn’t in choosing the attacks of the cards, it is in editing and building a powerful deck. You can have up to seven cards in your deck at one time. Swap weaker cards out for stronger ones. An idiot could do it. There isn’t anything more to it really.
Other than that, just keep clicking through the “game” and watching as the “story” unfolds, in all of its awful glory. Mission after mission, click buttons, be put in various predicaments, and always receive sex as a reward. Except, of course, for you, the game player, the “reward,” I suppose, is a single frame of a comic book character fucking another comic book character. Woohoo.
Wow. Just, Wow.
I don’t like to just flat-out badmouth sites, but this was truly one of the dumbest activities I have ever participated in. Be strong man. Watch card game. Pick strong card for more win. Make sex with cartoon lady if win. Watch more card game. Make sex again with cartoon lady if win. Like, who the fuck is this game meant for?
Overall, this is a lazy and idiotic attempt at a porn game that only horny dudes with Downs Syndrome could possibly enjoy fully. The graphics suck, the dialogue is awful, there is nothing sexy about it, it is not entertaining, it requires little to no strategy, and there is just no fucking point.
Oh, and on top of all of that, there are ads. One at the bottom (right underneath Smutstone’s gameplay window), advertising a game made by Hooligapps (their slogan: “games for big boys”). The game is Clash of Cunts. And it looks just as fucking lame (if not lamer than) Smutstone.
Surely I’m Missing Something?
Wow, this site really struck the fuck out, huh? I’m really trying to find something redeeming to talk about. Uhh … Hmm … Oh, I thought the name was kind of cool. Shit, I already said that, didn’t I? Um, let’s see … Oh, I got one! If we assume that the game, indeed, was made for grown men with mild to severe Downs Syndrome, then that completely changes things.
If that were the case, I would actually have mad respect for this game. That’s an entire demographic of people that never get specifically catered to in the adult entertainment industry. Yet, there are plenty of men with Downs Syndrome, and they get just as horny as we do. That would explain the “games for big boys” slogan too.
Well, if that is the case, Smutstone, let me know, and I’ll write up a new review with that in mind, because that would actually be doing some good for the world. If that is not the case, on the other hand, I have no words. I’m sure there are people who are going to love this game, but I’m not one of them.
ThePornDude likes SmutStone's
- Awesome gameplay
- Hot graphics
- Fantasy storyline
- Epic adventure
ThePornDude hates SmutStone's
- Lack of strategy required
- Lack of porn
- Awful writing
- Use of ads
- The chicks are not real!