PornHub Anal

What is it about anal that makes my dick auto-pre-cum? Is it the bouncy, greasy fat asses that jiggle with every thrust of my cock? That’s part of it. It all boils down to this: when a woman bends over and demands that you stick your long fat dick deep inside her asshole she’s willing to do anything. The kind of woman that wants you to fuck her ass silly is the kind of woman I’ll never get tired of.

Nah, it’s something else

I remember this one night I was at a hotel when my place flooded (wasn’t my fucking fault my goddamn roommate got drunk and flushed his Dad’s coin collection down the toilet) and this banging fat ass chick was sipping on a Martini at the hotel bar. I swaggered over because I noticed her ass melting the fucking bar stool and avoided the lame James Bond, ‘shaken not stirred,’ bullshit that would have got me cockblocked and instead complimented her hair because come the fuck on: whether they want to admit it or not they’re putty in a man’s hands after you shower them with sincere compliments. Long story short she came back to my place and I pounded that asshole raw! My God, I would have done anything to that ass: stuck my head inside and sang show tunes, lived in it instead of going back to my flooded pad with my loser roommate, I’d have even poured some Hormel’s canned chili and just fucking ate it if she asked me to.

My point is that when a woman wants you to fuck her asshole it’s the kind of woman that’s never pushy and telling you to, ‘slow down please;’ God I hate that! Finding a woman that doesn’t bitch about getting her ass filled is, unfortunately, few and far between so the next best thing is browsing the anal section of Pornhub. You know what Pornhub is so I’m not going to bore you with generic bullshit about the site you probably visit daily so I’ll tell you this: if you want unapologetic asshole fucking that will keep you cumming again and again until your only cumming space dust, Pornhub is still king.

Why visit Pornhub just for the anal PornDude?

Because it’s still the gold standard. Pornhub is a free tube site that browses like a premium site akin to Brazzers. The user interface (UI) has always felt clean and Pornhub only keeps making it better. Browsing and jumping from one video to another is snappy and rarely slow making it a near-perfect site for jerking on one video, jumping to another, and cumming at just the right moment when that bitch in the video is begging for more. Never slow, always responsive, Pornhub’s UI is still leading the pack.

Who gives a fuck about the interface if there’s no content?

Fortunately, this is Pornhub we’re talking about so of course there’s so much porn available it could take a few lifetimes to watch. The anal section is no different, but be aware of how it’s listed. By default, Pornhub sorts its videos by, ‘Featured Recently,’ and when it comes to anal you’re going to get a ton of videos that are going to make your dick go limper faster than if you were at a Susan Boyle concert. I’m talking My Little Pony anal videos, an abundance of The Sims 4 anal clips.

Who the fuck watches this shit?

Is this the kind of shit middle school boys are into now? You know what, not even going to ask anymore. Avoid needing eye bleach and instead sort the videos by, ‘Most Viewed,’ or, ‘Top Rated.’ Trust me on this: the feed will magically transform from looking like it was curated by an obese teen goth bitch with purple hair to a dude that knows exactly what videos makes life worth cumming for.

Pornhub now recommends new shit to combine with anal

A new feature Pornhub recently added is the ability further filter videos based on categories they’re typically combined with. For example, Pornhub told me that anal videos are typically combined Japanese, verified amateurs, and lesbians (not fucking ponies!). If you want to watch a hot bitch get her asshole fucked but you don’t know where to begin these recommended combined categories are a great place to start.

Why the fuck won’t Pornhub allow me to combine more than two categories?

Combining anal and verified amateurs gives you some hellaciously hot videos but what if I want to shorten the list to include only black bitches? I can’t do it! Give me a fucking break Pornhub! You constantly plug Pornhub Premium in your feeds and have become one of the leading pioneers of online porn yet you can’t allow me to add more than two categories at a time? It’s fucking shortsighted and it needs to be fixed immediately.

Why in God’s name does Pornhub always peddle Pornhub Premium?

It used to be not so bad, but now every fourth video has a star on it. I might as well pull your dick out and slap me in the face with while whispering, ‘you gotta pay me to get to the good shit.’ The thumbnails look crisper and always have an inflated rating to trick you into thinking Pornhub Premium is worth the cost of Hulu Premium (it’s not). Cool, you want a better way to turn a profit: stop trying to trick me into fucking helping you!

Browsing Pornhub Mobile is just okay

Browsing Pornhub on mobile is pretty painless though depending on your mobile browser you may run into a few hiccups along the way. Some videos seem to buffer forever, others simply don’t load. This could all depend on the extensions of your mobile browser. Especially if you have pop-up blockers this could make Pornhub lose its shit on mobile, slowly grabbing you by the throat and asking you to, ‘fucking support what we do here as if peddling Pornhub Premium every second wasn’t enough!’ Alright, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but the point is that browsing on a mobile browser could be better.

Get the fucking app instead

Where Pornhub really shines on mobile is in its app. Unfortunately, anytime an app with any sexual innuendo tries to get on the App Store Tim Cook, Steve Jobs’ vegan pussy ghost and the rest of the faggots over at Apple cry themselves in a dark corner while watching The View so if you have an iCrap device forget about getting the app. The politically correct shitheads over at Google don’t fare much better, although it’s possible to get Pornhub’s mobile app working on an Android device. It involves a few steps we’re not going to cover here, but it isn’t difficult. Go here on your mobile device, read the FAQ’s, and install the app. Trust me: you won’t want to go back to browsing Pornhub on your mobile browser like a horny caveman that only discovered digital porn yesterday!

Why does Pornhub autoload every goddamn thumbnail?

What’s the deal with all of the videos automatically autoloading the highlights on Pornhub? It doesn’t matter if I’m browsing anal videos or anything else: I don’t want the good parts to be spoilt for me! When I’m trying to find the perfect anal video the last thing I want to do is see that giant cock slowly slide inside her asshole before I even click on the video! It takes away from the surprise and a lot of times makes me pass on the video. I mean I could just jerk off to the animated thumbnails and not click on a video, forcing Pornhub to lose hits and ultimately money. Does it sound like a good idea still, Pornhub?!

WHY THE FUCK IS IT NOW ON THE APP?!?

What really pisses me off about this feature is that it’s now on the app. If you’re like me and need to tug one out in public the last thing you want to do is have these stupid fucking thumbnails animated on a data plan. It uses up way too much data, it slows down the app, and it makes it a pain in the ass (and also a pain in the ass) to find the perfect video. I’ve found myself watching where I put my thumb just so I don’t autoplay the thumbnail and slow everything down. I want to jerk off to anal porn not watch my thumb placement on the screen!

Nothing is finer than amateur anal vids

That’s where the gripes end though. Pornhub is known for its active community and the anal portion of the site is no different. I tugged myself raw sorting by, ‘New,’ and only watching anal videos from verified amateurs. Knowing that there are bitches out there that intentionally want you to watch them fuck their assholes/have their assholes fucked is one of the hottest things out there. Sure, you run into the occasional video of a greasy cow thinking she’s hot shit and sliding a cucumber up her ass but hey what site doesn’t have something like that? You take the good with the bad as they say.

Pornhub’s community is what has made it thrive over the years and thanks to the user-generated content it shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. When you need to fap to anal and you don’t know where to go, choose the old standby. Sure, Pornhub may seem mainstream and vanilla but it’s still dominant because the minds at Pornhub know what they’re doing. There’s a lot of things that could be fixed and I hate how they try to upsell you every which way they can, but at the end of the there’s really no substitute. No matter what kind of anal porn you want to tug it to, Pornhub has something that’s going to make you cum bucketfuls.

Bucketfuls. Like a horse. Oh, you don’t cum bucketfuls? I guess that’s what makes me so goddamn special!