Brazzers

Unless you just broke free from a Josef Fritzl-style sex dungeon, I’m guessing you’ve beaten off to this next site a bunch of times. Hell, I bet you’ve even squirted a bunch of loads to their material even if you’ve never signed up for a membership. Brazzers is one of the oft-imitated, oft-stolen premium sites at the high end of the Internet sex food chain.

These perverts have been putting smut on the Internet for most of the twenty-first century. A lot of smut. So much smut that it overflows all over the rest of the tubes, whether they want it to or not. Today we’re going to act like some classy fuckers with money in our pocket and go straight to the source.

The World’s Leading Premium Adult Entertainment Brand

The landing page at Brazzers.com doesn’t fuck around. The top of the screen claims they’re The World’s Leading Premium Adult Entertainment Brand. It’s hard to say for sure whether the big B is the biggest in the business, but they are part of the MindGeek empire. They own a bunch of the sites you touch yourself to, like PornHub, RealityKings, and a couple sticky handfuls more.

My point is that this ain’t no fly-by-night suitcase operation. There’s serious money behind Brazzers, which means better pornstars and better productions.

There’s a lot of cover-your-ass legalese on the front page, but I like the numbers floating over this bikini-clad broad’s ass. They’re claiming over 1,400 pornstars starring in 5,000 plus movies. The free sex tubes always claim a few magnitudes more than that, but they’re also full of Uncle Jimmy’s amateur anal with your auntie. Brazzers is only offering the pro stuff on a big-ass network with over 30 fuck flick sites.

The sign-up page mentions New Scenes Daily, the Hottest MILFs, and ZZ Exclusive Series. I’m not sure what the ZZ stands for yet, but I like that the girl has her legs over her head, her pants in her mouth, and a dick in her cunt.

That’s all kind of standard paysite stuff, though. I’m a little more interested in the claim that I can Interact With Pornstars. There’s a Play button over the thumbnail, but it just sends me back to the top of the sign-up page. I guess there’s only one way to get a better look.

A Fine Selection of Beautiful Whores

Brazzers has a really loud, almost over-the-top presentation that makes you feel like you’re hitting a strip club or a casino where all the workers spread their beavers out for you. The wild, brightly colored background is part of that, as are the promo slides slipping across the top of the screen demanding the attention of my eyes and cock.

I already passed a full screen of upsell offers on the way in. Among the promo shots here for Alexis Fawx taking anal and a XXX parody called Horny Monster, there’s another offer to upgrade. The Ebony channel looks nice, yeah, but $40 on top of my current membership is asking a lot. Come on with the upsells!

The latest scenes are below. They lied about updating every day. I see two updates every day, at least recently. Fuck yeah! Today they added Olivia Austin in a flick called Blonde and Bubbly, and Ava Adams sucking off a babysitter.

Brazzers is a big network, and the sites encompass a little of everything, pornographically speaking. Right away I see Latinas getting plowed and goth bitches getting their assholes fucked. There are teens and MILFs, and everyone is doing stuff that gets you stoned to death in certain places.

I was going to do a deep dive, describing the living hell out of the main member’s page. It’s not that different from other member’s pages on other sites, though. You get a selection of new stuff, some popular stuff, and a peek at upcoming stuff. You can access some pornstar profiles, complete with tons of relevant clips. Romi Rain has 74 hardcore sex scenes right now.

Yesterday on the site, Abella Danger fucked Jasmine Grey in a nasty little lesbian love scene. The preview shows pussy eating, scissoring and toys. I typed the last couple paragraphs as quickly as I could with one hand, because I need to see this clip right now.

Stroke A Little Now and a Lot Later

Brazzer’s centralized view is convenient as hell. Instead of visiting each of the dozens of sites you get with the membership, you get access to all that smut from a central hub. This Abella Danger and Jasmine Grey movie, Who The Fuck Are You, is from Hot And Mean. I can click the little icon to jump to the rest of the HAM collection, which is nearly 500 movies long now.

The video player loads with Abella squatting over her partner’s face, tongue up her pussy. I have to punch the little guy a little to make sure he doesn’t blow the whole thing before I even hit Play.

Brazzers has a shit ton of bandwidth to serve you nasty videos with. I jumped to Abella forcing the little Asian whore’s foot into her mouth, and then to the first pussy-licking scene. No buffering got in my way.

There’s a Download button that I was afraid to click until after I watched the foot-fetish dildo scene. I expected an ad offering downloads for an extra fee. To my surprise, Brazzers offered download options from mobile quality all the way up to a 1080p MP4.

Buy Porn with Past, Present and Future Money

There are no big surprises with the Brazzer’s pricing structure. I wonder if they even set the standard. It’s $30 USD a month, just like basically every other porn paysite out there. It’s cheaper if you buy for 3 months or a year at a time, and a buck a day for a 2-day trial. That’s a total of $2, in case you’re math retarded. They really are trying to confuse you, though.

They take Credit Card, like everyone else in the modern age. Brazzers will also let you write a check to sign up, which fucking ruled back in 1986. Viewers from the dystopian future where nerds rule everything and get laid all the time can pay by cryptocurrency.

Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before. Bitcoin is totally useful for normal goods and services. The fact that you only use it for darknet LSD and pornography on Brazzers is just representative of what you’re into and doesn’t reflect on crypto. Got it. My grandma’s totally going to start using it to buy flowers.

I really love that they also take unwanted gift cards. Your mom was hoping you’d buy yourself an appliance or some new clothes at Target, and here you are spending it on Asian blowjob movies. It’s just shameful.

Sounds Good! What’s the Catch?

It’s hard to find a serious flaw with Brazzers. You perverts beating off at the library might be pissed off because the website costs money, but you get what you pay for. In this case, that means seeing your favorite pornstars in all kinds of depraved situations.

Outside, they told me I could interact with pornstars on this site. I didn’t see that anywhere, unless they’re counting the Live Cams portion of the site. I guess that technically counts as interacting with pornstars if the broads you’re watching happen to be pornstars. Every cam site offers that, though, so “Interact with Pornstars” is just a misleading way to describe camming. (And if the interaction is something else, they shouldn’t have fucking buried it where I couldn’t find it.)

For thirty bucks, though, I ain’t complaining if I don’t actually get to shake my dick at a real pornstar. It’s the standard premium porn price, and Brazzers really does have more to offer than your typical thirty-dollar subscription.

Brazzers has a beautifully diverse selection of premium content on their network of sites. It’s a damn good value, especially if you’re looking for an all-around porn site that not only has everything, but is done really well. If you’re not sure, that trial is only a couple bucks.