In my not so humble opinion, there is no single feature on a girl that beats a nice, big, fat ass. A good face is a bonus, but if she doesn’t have one you can always just fuck her from behind. Tits are great, but with how good plastic surgery is these days, a girl can buy a nice set of boobs pretty easily. And personality? Please, we’re talking about women. If I wanted a good conversation I’d go talk to my bartender, we’re talking about warm holes with bodies attached here.
The ass, on the other hand, can’t be replaced. Yeah, girls get fake ones sometimes, but unlike fake tits they’re never really as nice as the real thing. A good ass requires either great genetics or a lot of hard work, and we know for a fact that most girls are incapable of that. Take my advice: if you ever manage to trick a girl with a sweet ass into fucking you, try to keep her around.
Since I know that won’t ever happen, I went out and found the next best thing for you. Enter Ass Parade: a member of the BangBros family of porn sites, it’s probably the best place to find premium porn that focuses on that highlight of the female anatomy. It’s not cheap, but if you know what you want it’s probably worth the price.
It’s cheaper than a hooker, at least, and I know that’s the only other way you’re going to get to experience girls like this, so consider it spending a bit of money to save a lot. Maybe throw a few bucks my way too as a thank you for that economics lesson.
Want some more life lessons? Check out some of the previews on the landing page before you commit. All you’ll get for free is a quick video loop and some screenshots from the video, but it will at least show you what you’re missing. On second thought, they offer a short-term one-day membership that gives you full access to all of their content for just a buck. Skip the fifth McDouble today and enter the world of premium porn. You need to lose a few (hundred) pounds anyways, fatass.
When you do open your wallet a little bit, you get a lot more than just previews. About once a week, Ass Parade will upload a brand new video in HD that will allow you to watch a new beautiful girl (or two or three) with a fantastic back end getting used and abused for about an hour. One a week might not seem like a lot, but when you take into account that you also get access to their back catalog of videos, we’re talking about probably thousands of hours of ass-centered content.
Ass Parade has all of your standard quality of life sorting features—you can see the most recent videos or jump straight to the top-rated or most-viewed ones if you’re trying to find the best of the best. The site has a search function that checks through plenty of tags, so finding something right up your alley shouldn’t take long. All in all, the site does what porn sites to best: let you focus on finding the right video to jerk off to without getting in your way.
One thing that I really like is that the thumbnail video previews play automatically. Years of masturbation have given me the ability to focus on many asses at once, so having them all running at once without having to mouse over each really adds a layer of efficiency to my browsing.
The videos even have preview photosets and trailers, if you’re not ready to commit to a full hour of a single video. And, in a complete first for me, you can even search for videos by cast member or director. I’m not sure what kind of deranged individual watches sex tapes to see a master auteur director at work, but if that’s you, Ass Parade is the place for you to be, I guess. Maybe I just need to be more open-minded, for all I know Long Mile could be the Tarantino of porn. But for now I think I’ll stick to searching by tags and pornstars.
The mobile site performs admirably as well. You can find anything that you can find from the comfort of your desktop computer while on your cellphone as well, so you don’t need to have porn-separation anxiety if you ever leave your bedroom.
An Abundance of Asses
There is a certain type of ass that you’ll find in abundance here. In the words of the great poet Mos Def, what Ass Parade specializes in is an “ass so fat you can see it from the front.” If his titular Ms. Fat Booty could be personified by a single porn site, it would be Ass Parade. As long as the girl has an ass that would make Mos fall in love, you’ll find her here.
Phat Ass White Girls? Check. Big booty black bitches? Got em. Little Latinas (except where it counts)? Plenty of them to be found. Teen girls next door with gigantic rear ends? Yes indeed. And how about that classic MILF with unbelievable assets? Yep, Ass Parade has it all. If it’s a shapely woman’s butt, you’ll find it here—sorry, fans of asses of the male variety, you’ll have to look elsewhere.
With that focus on the behind comes an abundance of porn in certain subgenres. Ass-lovers of all types will find something great on Ass Parade, but fans of anal, doggy style, and face-sitting will be in paradise. If you’re not a fan of those things, I’d suggest either getting your testosterone checked or actually trying one of them in person. If you’ve fucked a girl in the ass and you’re not into anal porn, something is deeply wrong. And no, convincing your friend to wear a wig and shave his ass before taking turns on each other doesn’t count.
HD Included… Unless you Want Ultra HD
My favorite thing about Ass Parade is the consistently high quality of the videos. The guys behind the site really know what they’re doing. These are artisans and masters of their craft, not just some shmucks with a video camera and a talent for tricking women into being violated for the whole world to see. The video quality is insane, and every single video is offered in HD Quality.
There is a catch, though. As ultra-high-quality formats like 4K HD are beginning to become more popular, companies want to cash in on the trend. If you want that little extra boost so that you can see every wrinkle on your favorite buttsluts asshole, you’ll have to pay a little bit extra for 4K. It’s basically the cost of two cups of coffee a month, or maybe one if you drink that sugar-filled girly shit that I’m sure you do, so try being a man and making a sacrifice if you really need to see every little detail.
Taking One For The Road
Ass Parade really stands out with its download capabilities, too. Included in your membership price is the ability to download an unlimited number of videos at any resolution, including, if you pay for it, full quality 4K. If you want to kick it old-school, they even offer photosets and screencaps.
Think of it like saving for a rainy day. One day, your life will fall apart. You’ll lose your job, your parents will kick you out of the basement, and you’ll be forced to live on the street. Without Wi-Fi and without a data plan—the horror! It’s inevitable for losers like you. But, if you plan ahead and download some big booty porn from Ass Parade, you won’t feel quite so lonely when you jerk off behind a Walmart at night. You could even use it as a job opportunity—find another dirty homeless dude and let him watch a video from your stash while you suck him off. Just try not to let the fact that you actually find yourself enjoying it stop you from charging him twenty bucks for the privilege.
ThePornDude likes AssParade's
- Search functions, cast listings, even director listings
- Plenty of tags to help you find your ideal vids
- Free downloads in HD, including photosets
ThePornDude hates AssParade's
- 4K video costs a bit extra