iWank

Oh, I really fucked up. The hooker I hired just bailed on me after watching me crush and snort a Viagra, or maybe she was a little intimidated by the hole-spreader on my homemade humping machine. Either way, the blue dust is taking hold and I’m going to need a lot of porno immediately so the little guy doesn’t pop like an overinflated balloon. It’s been a while since I hit up iWank, and now seems as good a time as ever.

This one’s an aggregator. You can search a bunch of the free tubes at once instead of one at a time like some kind of primitive caveman. My angry boner just smashed its way through the zipper on my jeans, so iWank sounds like just what I need right now.

Send the Kids to Bed and Look at Free Porn

iWank.tv was registered in 2014, making it just a few years old. Apple started the stupid trend of slapping an I in front of everything nearly two decades ago, so I actually guessed the site was older. iWank pulls over 20 million visits a month. They may be young, but they grew up fast.

The site’s got a clean, no-frills layout. The front page is a grid of video thumbnails, each representing the category it links to. It’s kind of like the picture menu they give to retards at McDonald’s, only it’s covered in incest, bondage, and anal porn instead of horse burgers and pellets made from liquefied chicken buttholes.

Japanese is the very first category on the list, and I have to ask: iWank, what the fuck? The image they used to represent Asian whores from the Land of the Rising sun is just fucking wrong. I mean, it has to be, right? Instead of a hot Japanese girl getting her shaved twat stuffed with a couple boners, it’s a hot Japanese girl posing with small children in an African village.

Look, I don’t know if the Feds have some kind of three-strikes rule, but I do not need them kicking down my door again. I hit the refresh button as some kind of useless defense and something weird happens. The little Japanese babe with the kids now represents the Interracial porno section. The Japanese thumbnail now shows an almond-eyed beauty licking a penis.

It took another click before the starving children got the fuck off the page. The bottom of the page tells parents they can easily block access to the site, but it’s hard to stop illiterate orphans from getting into things they’re not supposed to be in.

I Wank, You Wank, We All Wank for iWank

Ever feel like a kid in a candy store? It’s a great feeling, but have you ever tried being a drug-fueled, sex-crazed maniac in a free porn store? That’s how I feel right now.

The number of movies iWank has indexed for each category is listed in the corner of each thumbnail. It’s fucking astounding. There are nearly a quarter of a million movies alone filed under Mom. That’s way more videos than a lot of free tubes have, and almost half as many fucks as your own mom has had.

You’re probably thinking, wow, that’s a ton of motherfucking mother-fucking porn. A quarter mil is nothing here, though. There are about 1.2 million Lesbian flicks, 1.7 million MILF movies, and nearly 3 million Teen films.

Most of the big categories that everyone and their mom beats off to are all very well represented. You want Anal, Creampies, Handjobs or Blondes? Take your pick from millions of scenes.

Don’t worry, it’s not a bunch of tame, vanilla shit like Blowjobs and Fisting. True sexual deviates and freaks will also find what pushes their buttons. They’ve got stuff like CFNM, Spanking, Toilet, Ladyboy and Cartoon. That last one has a thumbnail of an animated dog humping an animated secretary. They’re doing it doggystyle, naturally.

The vast majority of the smut on iWank is straight or lesbian. That’s how every tube is unless they’re specifically a queer site. iWank does have a couple million Gay movies, though, so I’m not bullshitting when I tell you they’ve got something for everyone. (Unless you’ve chosen one of the dozens of new sexual orientations invented in the last year. In that case you’re fucked, you precious little snowflake.)

Sad News for Motherfuckers Everywhere

You know what’s fucked up? Even though I saw iWank’s rich Mom category listed at the top of the screen, there’s no link to an Incest or Taboo section. Considering they have such deep niches as Turkish, Pissing and Catfights, it seems they left out the family stuff on purpose.

On the other hand, there’s an Uncle category and a Grandpa one on the front page. No Brothers, Sisters or Dads, but it’s a start. A search for Incest pulls up nothing, but a search for Taboo brings back a shit-load of results.

The slut in the Mom thumbnail looks like Katie Perry, and that certainly works for me right now. iWank categories open in a new tab, initially grouped by Popularity. They don’t give you many ways to sort the results. You can reshuffle them to see the Latest first. The only filter narrows it down to the Long clips, which I do.

Beneath each clip, you’ll see which of the free tubes it’s hosted on. They’re indexing shit from all your favorites, plus a bunch you’ve probably never heard of or just don’t think about. Without even scrolling, I see XXXDan, Pornhub, Analdin, ZMovs, and xHamster. Like I said, aggregators save you time, and iWank is doing exactly what it’s supposed to.

iWank doesn’t list the scene titles, which is pretty damn unusual for any sex site. The thumbails don’t move, either, so there’s some guesswork involved. I see that Katie Perry thumbnail again, but she’s just laying in bed. What happens in the video? It’s hard to say, because the only tags listed beneath are Stepmom, Mom, and MILF.

Other thumbnails are more explicit. There’s no mistaking the cock this amateur whore is taking up the ass, nor the blonde Mom slurping a cock poolside. The Teen getting her pussy eaten on a beach seems like it may be misfiled, but I ain’t complaining.

Let’s Watch Millions of Dirty Movies

How’s the video quality on iWank? That’s a trick question, because iWank doesn’t host anything. The video quality, playback and spam experiences are going to vary wherever the site sends you.

Browsing iWank is a very clean experience. I’ve got a spam plugin, of course, but I didn’t see a single ad for anything anywhere on the site. As soon as I started clicking outgoing links I got hit. Some sites were so spammy I started aiming for tubes I recognized and trusted already.

I tried to watch a first-time mom video listed on VipTube. The first spam-laden video player was a trick to open another tab with even more spam. That’s on top of the shit I can see my spam plugin fighting with as the tabs load. Yuck. Porn tubes are not created equal, as anyone familiar with The Porn Dude’s Free Tube section knows.

One major issue I ran into was that some of the thumbnails don’t actually lead to the videos they’re from. This seemed to happen much more with shitty tubes I wasn’t really familiar with. Instead of seeing the thick Ebony goddess in the pic riding a dick, I’d just get dropped off at the front page of a third-rate free sex site. You always end up with an URL full of gibberish, so you know somebody got paid off your bullshit click.

Spam and some busted links really aren’t a terrible trade for what iWank has to offer. They provide easy links to millions and millions of free and nasty porno movies in a broad range of categories. It’s a porn stash so immense it would have been unthinkable just a generation ago, accessible from anywhere without taking up any room in the back of your closet.