I want to buy the cheapest sex toys from the best adult stores with discreet delivery and fast shipping!
Don’t we all? It’s a good thing we’re living in the Golden age of the Internet, which as you know is a series of sex tubes and online stores. The two things complement the fuck out of each other. Buy yourself a silicone schoolgirl vagina or a Tenga egg to stick your cock in while you’re watching bus molester scenes on one of the JAV sites. You can find full-size, lifelike sex dolls that look, fuck and act just like the drugged-up hooker you keep locked in your closet. They smell a hell of a lot better and won’t get you butt-raped in prison.
Whether you’re buying handcuffs with some fluffy shit so they don’t irritate your woman’s sensitive skin, a gallon of lube to keep the anal sex smooth and flowing, or some old-school DVDs of Latinas getting gangbanged, these fuckers ship fast, cheap and discreetly. Gone are the days of getting a huge box labeled INTENSE MASTURBATION DEVICE ENCLOSED: TINY PENIS MODEL and having your neighbors laugh at you. I’ve narrowed this list down to only the best sex shops on the Internet. I buy this shit by the pallet, so I know what I’m talking about.
What kind of adult toys can I buy on these online sex shops?
In the old days, the only place to buy anything kinky was the dirty porn store on the bad side of town. All they had besides the semen-encrusted DVD selection were a handful of cock rings, some amyl nitrate labeled as VCR head cleaner, and some old dildos that may or may not have been used. Are those brown stains feces or just dried blood?
It’s a whole different world these days. You can get artificial pussies modeled after your favorite porn starlets, or realistic dicks cast from real stud cock impressions if that’s more your speed. Why settle for one of those bullshit inflatable love dolls people give as gag gifts when you can get a fully fuckable girlfriend who looks hotter than any of the fat bitches you’ve ever laid? Buy your wife a whip so she knows who really wears the pants in your household, stock up on condoms, and get some of that junk numbing cream that keeps you from coming too fast while you’re watching taboo teen lesbian pictures.
PornDude, I have a really small dick! Can a penis pump give me a huge pornstar dick?
As a dude with an all-natural 12-inch monster, I’ve never had to worry about any kind of technological marvel or pharmaceutical enhancer. I’m a curious Porn Dude, though, so I’ve done plenty of research and talked to plenty of perverts who have tried vacuuming their cocks into bigness. The consensus? There really ain’t one.
I’ve heard motherfuckers claim they can help with erectile dysfunction if you can’t get it up and the doctor says you’re too young for Viagra, but then turn around and say they don’t actually make your wiener any bigger. On the other hand, look at the reviews of these machines on some of these online sex shops. These are some satisfied customers, talking about how their girth has extended and their wives are all really happy.
Look, if your ding-a-ling ain’t up to snuff, you’ve got some options. These shops don’t just fuck with the vacuum pump technology, they’ll hook you up with whatever is available and legal. These days you can get all kinds of pills and creams and shit like that. Do your homework and read the reviews and good luck on that bigger Johnson.
I want to buy a sex doll, but I don’t want anybody to find out. Is the packaging discreet?
The box isn’t going to be labeled as having a sex doll inside, but you have to figure, you’re going to be receiving a box capable of holding a full-size human being. You ever see your neighbor getting a big-ass package like that and not wonder what they’re getting? The good news is that most of your neighbors aren’t fucking depraved perverts like you and me. They’ll probably just think you got some fancy-ass new chair or something, not a life-size Barbie with a bunch of lifelike orifices you’re planning on lubing up and sticking your penis inside.
Am I able to test out a product, before I buy it?
Goddamn. It’s motherfuckers like you that make me wonder if it’s a good idea to buy a masturbation sleeve shaped like a butthole on one end and a woman’s puckered mouth on the other. In the old days, the toothless hillbilly behind the counter at the porn shack would chase you out with an old pipe full of concrete if you tried to return your sperm-covered Fleshlight. Believe it or not, a lot of these online shops have pretty lenient return policies.
If you’re really the type of person who’s going to try on a cock ring and then try to send it back for a refund, I do encourage you to check out the fine print on all the satisfaction guarantees. It varies from shop to shop, but honestly, you have to be some kind of fucking retard not to expect some basic rules on how to return a used buttplug.
(And if you’re worried about buying a “new” string of anal beads covered in some cheap motherfucker’s fecal matter, fear not. None of these online sex shops would have lasted a minute if they were still pulling the same kind of crap as your neighborhood smut shack.)
How do I become an erotic shop sex toy tester?
Just do what I do. Buy every new masturbation sleeve, fuck doll and herbal version of Viagra that hits the market. Line up your purchases somewhere convenient like a kitchen table or desk, and then pull up The Porn Dude on your laptop or mobile device. Browse my site to find exactly the porno you like to watch as you experiment with your massage oils, artificial assholes, French ticklers and that crazy new sex lube that’s supposed to make your junk all tingly.
Oh. You meant a paid erotic shop sex toy tester. Well, if you want to do that kind of work for living, you probably have to get into the sex toy manufacturing business or just know somebody who is. That’s one of those dream jobs that has more to do with luck than any factor that’s under your control, like becoming a porn stud or amateur proctologist.
Pfff, a pussy magnet like me doesn’t need this shit, but I’ll buy a fleshlight for my friend’s birthday!
Sure, bro. You can even check off the little box when you’re ordering that says it’s a gift. Nobody will ever suspect that it’s actually you who’s going to have a really good evening banging a well-lubed fake twat modeled after your favorite pornstar’s actual vagina. Yeah, it’s just going to be your really lucky buddy who’s going to have a dozen mind-blowing orgasms and spill a gallon of seed while hopped up on herbal boner pills and watching the hottest new Japanese Adult Video releases of the year. I envy the dude, even if he’s got a sucker for a buddy.
Sex toys are a huge industry and a lot of companies want to get in on that action. New adult shops are always popping up on the web, but most of them fucking suck. Keep this page bookmarked and I’ll always be sure to let you know where to get the best deals on the latest and greatest in erotic toys, marital aids, and other things you can stick your dick in.
