YourPorn Lesbian

Don’t let those #MeToo bitches tell you what’s, ‘appropriate,’ and what isn’t anymore: there’s nothing hotter than watching two hot ass chicks just fucking go at it. You ever noticed how hard it is to find a lesbian video that’s unwatchable? Even the softcore videos where they just make out and play with each other’s nipples for two hours on a go-kart track is hotter than a lot of the straight porn. Especially when the bitch lies there like a fucking goldfish waiting to run out of oxygen so she literally go do anything else.

Lesbians are always going to be smoking hot (deal with it)

Lesbian porn is a lot like pizza: even when it sucks, it’s still fucking pizza. Even when the dykes are lying on the bed like a couple of vegan gluten-free pizzas, just the act alone is enough to make me cum like a racehorse. Then I imagine what it’d be like to see this shit in real life but you’ve probably thought of that haven’t you? Walking into the bedroom after a long day only to see two hot blondes scissoring on the bed, saying, “welcome home PornDude, you wanna watch,” to which I would say, “yes.” What, you want me to come up with something witty? I’d be goddamn speechless and you would be too!

I don’t know if that will ever happen. Maybe if Uncle Fester dies I can hire a couple of whores to do that for me but that could get expensive, they’ll want food, I’ll have to make some conversation beyond, “hey so get naked and ride this couple’s dildo I just bought you both,” and they’re women so you know they’ll want to make small talk 99% of the time. So fuck it, it’s easier to watch lesbian porn rather than dealing with the real deal.

I took a stroll to Sxyprn to look at some lesbian videos since I haven’t been there in a while. They used to be called YourPorn, but for some reason, they felt a name change without the vowels was a better and cleverer name. Yeah, you’re goddamn right it isn’t! They should have stuck to YourPorn. Retarded name change aside, how is it and is it the go-to place to fulfill your lesbian fantasy desires? Let’s take a look!

Sxyprn Mobile is beyond unusable

I was in the bathroom at my favorite Chinese restaurant a few days ago and if you’re like me Sweet and Sour chicken always gives me a hard on (anybody? Just me? Okay.). I went into the stall next to the guy shitting his fucking brains out and cursing the name of the restaurant for giving him bloody diarrhea, put on my AirPods, and loaded up Sxyprn. Almost immediately I had to close it because I feared my device was infected with AIDS. No, the blood from the diarrhea didn’t hop over the stall and infect my device with some sort of digital AIDS virus. Sxyprn’s mobile site did that all by itself. When I loaded the site, I was so bombarded by pop-up ads that I had to close at least five new tabs in my browser, close one pop-up on the main page, and close the tabs that would open each time I opened a video.

None of the ads were discreet, either. It was like Sxyprn from the start was giving me a giant middle finger as to say, “oh, you want to look at lesbian porn in a Chinese restaurant? WELL DEAL WITH THIS SHIT!” It’s fucking unusable and probably not safe. If you’re going to visit Sxyprn, only do it on a desktop! When more people use the Web on a mobile device than a desktop, making your mobile site unusable and arguably dangerous is one of the dumbest fucking moves you can make aside from giving your site a name change that feels right at home in 2005: stupid name change, stupider mobile site.

The UI may have been designed by a middle schooler

And don’t get me started on the user interface (UI) of Sxyprn. One good look at the site and it looks like it was developed by a failing middle schooler looking for extra credit in his intro to computer class. I’ve seen mommy blogs that were better designed than this. If you’ve ever visited those for the laughs you know what an eyesore they are. Well, Sxyprn’s UI makes these mommy bloggers look like geniuses of Web design (and we all know the only thing they’re geniuses at is all the different ways they can make their kids grow up to cut themselves).

Not a lot of lesbian videos but they’ll have you nuttin’ for months

So hey, maybe some of these mommy blogger’s kids are in a few of the lesbian videos I watched over at Sxyprn! Sxyprn doesn’t have that many lesbian videos to choose from compared to other free tube sites (less than 10,000) so that’s a buzzkill. What it does offer is a ton of quality, full-length lesbian clips. It’s a matter of quality versus quantity over at Sxyprn, and at the end of the day I can’t bitch about it too much. You will find full-length lesbian videos in some cases (along with thousands of seeded porn torrents for some reason). I could find myself going back and nutting to just a few of the ones I watched again and again; maybe even downloading a few for personal keeping. If this is what the daughters of mommy bloggers end up doing, hey maybe mommy bloggers aren’t such a shit stain on society after….what the fuck am I thinking, those bitches will ALWAYS be a shit stain on society. The daughters they drive to porn though? They’re doing me and you a GREAT service!

Premium-site quality lesbian videos, makes you feel like you’re stealing from the man

And goddamn does that feel good! A small amount of lesbian content doesn’t change the fact that the videos all mostly spot-on and fucking incredible. Where the content on Sxyprn really shines is just how fucking good it all looks. The bitrate on some of these videos falls into Pornhub Premium territory. Sxyprn wants to brag about this obviously because they display the video info on the bottom of each video complete with bitrate, the length, the resolution, and the stats only virgin dweebs care about. You won’t find any lowered resolutions like you would on other free tube sites: only sexy lesbian videos in their native resolution.

Basic bitch UI but it gets the job done

Although the UI looks like absolute dog shit, it keeps the site fast and snappy. You won’t find any autoloading thumbnails on Sxyprn either. It’s a good thing too because you won’t want any of the lesbian content you’re going to come across spoiled for you. Stay in the dark on what to expect and believe me you’re going to nut bucketfuls. So in a weird way the shitty UI is actually one of Sxyprn’s strengths: it’s an eyesore but because it’s so barebones everything runs smoothly and quick. It’s a tradeoff but in a bizarre way it kind of works.

Sort by orgasmic (but can’t tell if this shit works)

Sxyprn features the usual methods for sorting: most viewed, top rated, etc. Unique to Sxyprn is a sort-by feature called, ‘orgasmic,’ where your fellow masturbators rate which videos they came to the hardest. Or which videos caused them to cum the quickest. It’s not clear what orgasmic really means in the context, but if you want a good cum session when watching lesbian videos these are certain to do the trick. A video is considered orgasmic when members of the community rate them with certain emoticons. All this does is prove that not a lot of people really visit Sxyprn save for actually signing up and become active members. I could upload Betty White videos, create a few accounts, label the vids orgasmic, and who knows maybe the Betty White videos would be at the top of the page. So few people use this feature it’s ripe for abuse – and to me, that’s pretty fucking hilarious.

Community = the same 100 guys jerking off with one another

Speaking of the community, it’s really a worthless feature. One click on a member’s profile and you only see the videos they’ve posted along with comments made about said video. Who gives a fuck? Why does there have to be some pseudo-social element when the only function is posting videos and commenting? I can do that anywhere else on any free tube porn site! Don’t try to shoehorn some bullshit community feature and call it that when it’s just a method for you to entice people to post porn on your site for free!

Sxyporn fucking kills it where it counts (but for the love of God stay off mobile)

What Sxyprn does right, it does extremely well. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m pretty sure the mobile site gave my phone AIDS. I’m thinking about scrubbing it down with an anti-bacterial wipe just to get the stank of the ads off my mind, it was that goddamn bad. It also doesn’t change that the UI looks like it was developed by a middle school prick that wears My Little Pony shirts and a trenchcoat and refers to himself as, ‘Count Equastrinomus.’ Even so, the sheer quality of the lesbian videos I watched made me think I accidentally paid for a premium service at one point. Sxyprn needs a lot of work, but its strength is where it counts: the videos.